Ich weiss du bist berüchtigt!

Throwback... 2000

Mit dir steht die Zeit still,

du bist was ich will...

....mit dir bleibt die Welt stehn,

ich schreib dir Zettel befor ich geh.

raw flesh

The secrets you don't tell

You had it in you.

now it's gone.

shut your mouth!

press your palm on it!

Don't let anybody know.

it's not nice so nobody will care.

it's gone!

& YOU didn't even know so why would you care now?

It's only forever... not long at all

I imagine the silence is deafening

...by things left unspoken.

The distance invading my space....

utter devotion

Since our mommies tummies bumped...

...there has been no, is no without you.

I can't say it's like a part of you is missing with you not here, 

because...

You are me & I am you.

not just parts.

You made me & I made you.

You know me more than I do me.

I know you more than you do you.

So many times we drifted apart.

So many times we found each other again.

From getting our first teeth

to losing them & waiting on wisdom teeth.

It's only natural for us to stay together to the day we shop

for our third teeth & hold hands in death....

Waiting up for our daddy & papa

 to get off from dienst on halloween.

Sitting in the open attic at the old apartment.

Scared & entagled we were, 

watching nightmare before christmas.

The two american girls with the other customs.

Ours.

Baricading your door because I refused to go home.

Realizing once we were safely in your room with

your closet pushed infront of your door in an hours effort,

that we both had to pee...

Two weeks before me you were born, 

with the same numbers but I always was the older one.

It wasn't supposed to be until the end of the month,

that I was to make an appearence but 

you were already out there exploring,

so I just had to pop out before my date!

Me the bold & chaotic one.

01.12.1988

You  the girly & complicated one.

12.11.1988

You are a continent away but our minds meet half way.

You are closer then the person sitting next to me.

Always.

So much trouble we got into.

And so much we got each other out of.

You are the only living being

 that has the power to bring tears to my eyes.

No emotions I have, 

but for you I have an abundance.

Mara Rose, you are love.

sisters

Infatuated by Temptation?

I look at you & I'm bewildered by this "storage" feeling I get.

Like you are some new, improved & one time only available product & I get this urge to run to the store & buy out all the racks at every store that carries you & ration you for two forevers.

I smell you & I am bubbly with sensation inside.

Like I ate a live nest of bumble bees. Yes it hurts!!! But it's almost good pain I just need them to go into autopilot not "crashlanding mode".....

I kiss you & I don't care how many cliches my mind conjures up.

I melt down... sink in & fly high... soar!

Lose myself & forget me.... & remember you. Us?

Bitanem?

No. But for the first time I believe in someones potential to be just that.

You touch me & I forget the colors of fear painted over my eyes.

All walls built up - POOF & disappear. Is that a good thing?

Never have I felt so safe. Is that safe?

So gentle. Even now I want to say fuck my doubts!!!

You whisper something naughty in my ear as your hands wander down my back,

I'm confident & know I will love it.

For the first time.

Yes please eat me like a lunchable sir!

Then you're grabbing my hair just the way I like it & my panties are in a bunch...

You observe my naked body & no approval is needed.

I'm out of breath, makeup has been sweated away & my hair would make the cast of Lion King jealous.

Run for it!

Trust is an emotion. 
Emotions are unsafe. 
Unsafe means helpless. 
Helplessness my biggest fear.

But trust is also passion.
A powerfull feeling of comfort.
Freedom to be oneself.
Free to be a woman.
Free, to feel the desires of a man.
It is empowering & extremely feminine.
The utter core of femininity.

But to me it has been so much more safe to build up walls.
Thinking they would keep me safe,
but I have learned that
even if they do
they will prevent me from feeling.
Creating the inability to truly develope emotions.

Struggle

Being taught that a male over oneself is humiliating.
Feeling a man ferociously demanding this,
against ones will
deludes the understanding 
that having a male over you is a utmost natural state.

Trusting,

that he can control himself & his desires.
For him to be touched by his woman
feel her softness
how fragile she is
for her to embrace him at night,
doesn't make him weak or her succuming.

It is a womans gift to give her man balance & pleasurable fulfillment.
Just as it is his to give safety & satisfaction.

Losing control? No -giving it up willingly for something higher!

So I'm staying. No more running

Marilyn Merlot

didn't cha know grapes could be so sexy?

Chica-I-go!

Chica-I-go

Offices & stores rushing past the windows of the green line.

The train is my observatory.

Strangers my stars.

I'm floating on my own milkyway...

Everything is so far away but so close to touch.

Now & then a meteor distracting me accompanied by a strong Jack Daniels odor.

"Madison&Wabash"

I exit my safehaven & walk into life.

Realizing the stars have lost their glow.

Yes, here & there a brilliantly shimmering shooting star, but as I said shooting.

Gone in a split second.

Constellations everywhere.

Where is mine?

Coup d'etat(draft)

My mind had a revolution a couple months ago,

a civil war between my basic moral installations if you will.

On one side you had the established Morals,

a corrupt gang of adrenalin no good seeking Morals.

Never failing to lead me down narrow paths, the wrong way.

Never letting me learn my lessons.

Never allowing me to notice the "WRONG WAY" signs until it was too late.

On the opposing side you had the "rebels" the until toujours hidden morals.

Suggesting bigger & better ways,

happier & brighter days.

Not just whispering but bellowing "CARPE DIEM!"

Verbal Violence

Your look offends me,
prejudice too prominent on your sleeve.

I try to ignore it but you bump your EGO in my comfort zone
An EGO just like all - each & every one of ya'll, you fucking clone.

EGO -yeah you say it all the time

Beyonce didn't invent it, bet you didn't know it's latin for "I" you spineless swine!

Shut your mouth, turn your phone off & your education on,

oh my bad I forgot smart & witty are the new ugly & fatty, WRONG!

100% on a test?

Last time you scored that was on a facebook mafia quest.

And YOU want to school ME on music,

ok ok, lets play a game right quick:

Queens

You tell me about Nicky Minaj

I eye you & ask Pharoah Munch, Ladies love & NASTY NAS?!

Brooklyn

all you know is

that their broads are the finest!

Don't YOU know Papoose, DEF & Talib, Busta, MOP got that Crooklyn mindset?!

Ok enough burrow.

I forgot, your opinion is MTV borrowed.

ATL

You get all hyphy cause now you can name 'um

I ain't tryna hear shit from you but Andre 3000 & Big Boy. I claim 'em!

I'd bring up the Westcoast but I already know you ain't heard of Blu,

but quick to boast & tell me "You're a white german girl so you have no clue!"

CHICAGO

You're about to tell me Kanye West.

You've only liked him since he stuck that bigg ol heart on his chest!

I throw the towel.You know NOTHING.

News Flash: Your imagination is rotting in a coffin .

You can twitter for hours but fail to hold a real convo for more then 5 min.

I'm a lady so I don't do this but I'm tempted to walk all over your electronics with some size 8 timbs.

You're a man dammit ! When did taking a girl on a date turn into a holler in the inbox?

Fondling your screen, while you chattin & watchin scum on Intervention detox.

That's romantic to you?

You're the type of person to find love & propose to her on second life, you sad sad fool.

Braindead, influenced by the media

you would buy mercury muffins if a bulimic blond beach babe in a bikini offa BET handed it to ya.

Callin' me snowflake like you don't have the decency to ask my name
but oh I forgot, you don't need to "you got game"

Telling people about your 'haters'
how they sucked your swagg & suffocated. Man Later!

Wait no, this convo ain't ova,
I got 99problems & right now you're #1, HOVA!

And while he said if you don't like his lyrics you can press fast forward
you better not touch a button, delusional - thinking you 'go hard'

I'll jab you in the jaw then put a ring around your brow
like my fist was marrying your face, now bow!

I'm not jokin' what you laughin fo?
U really must want your teeth in a doggy bag - to go?!

SIKTIR LAN WORLD

Sometimes...

I just need to blast my eardrums with some grimey ass

Dead Prez & M.O.P

& say FUCK all this!

For the duration of my wildin

I feel like my one woman army can overcome anything.

p

A SWAT-Team

the Juggernaut

or my current life situation.

I put on my gasoline boots & walk through hell.

Write down my thoughts & vent as well.

Once I'm done & my ears are ringing like a mofo

I feel like on 5 doppelte espressos

& ready to hit real life in it's mandula.

EXTENDED LIKE A RULA!

,

Butterflies in a jar

Safe from harm

robbed of their freedom

love is cont...ained

Cont...aminated...

Unscrew the lid

let them escape...

...Never

When I follow ME

it leads away from YOU

escape the golden torture chamber...

A fucking knight in shinin armor!

Refresh my memory....

Or I might never find him inbetween these peasants klad in rusty flabs....

Rules of engagement

Do I really have to leave you outside at the candy store or is it okay to let you in but forbid you to taste?

It's fun to see you flatten your nose on the outside glass windows for a while but I would like you to smell my goodies & treats....

I'm letting you in.

But I'm sceptic - how do I know that you will try everything on the racks & not eat all at once & then bounce? & like it once you taste?

*giggles* Kelis told me her milkshake brings all boys to the yard & I told her I just want to throw this one man off guard!

& never feel the need to lock the door to my candy shop. I redecided - for now u'll have to do with a sweet lemon drop ;)

A little less conversation, a little more parmesan please!

Dancing in the kitchen to "I feel good"

Ingredients sizzling in the pan over "Jumpin Jack"

Chopping onions to the beat of The Supremes.

I scream "R.E.S.P.E.C.T" in a cup of spices,

pour them into a pot to the piano rip on "Mambo Swing"

& the spatula is my Mic as I twirl around the room with Sinatra...

Denali - "the high one"...

...CATERPILLAR

in a crescendo to the sky.

Temporary eternity?

Fireworks - sly little instigators...

it is even colder at the beach now & you stand behind me & rub my arms.

As we play silent crowd you inch closer to me & slowly wrap your arms around me... it could be -50 I have no idea anymore you can protect me from all.

Eventually the cold forces us to retreat to your car.

Music, laughing, playing with your hands....

Running my fingers over your arm & entertwining my little fingers in your hands... I can fit both in your palm. I feel so safe.

Come & try me I have THIS!!

D'Angelo is purring threw the speakers & we manage to stop talking for once & I'm solely entertained by your arms anatomy while you run your fingers through my hair & over my head.

Then Erykah tunes in & I rest my head on the back of the seat facing you... too shy to look you in the eye just yet.

My brain goes blank as you cup your hand around my cheek & push a stray strand of hair behind my ear. As if your hand is amazed by the touch it seems to rethink going back to your lap & instead travels across my jawline & ever so slowly over my lips..... my eyes flutter shut to conceal my utter infatuation but I suspect that my suppressed smile & my entire body language are snitching on me as you continue to let your fingers travel accross my face... from my forehead over my nose to my chin... over my eyebrows & back to my neck... your fingers are ice cold & burning hot simultaneously....

Feeling as if a tranquilizer hit me in the good spot I am barely able to lift my fingers towards your face & initiate my treasure hunt across your face... your lips being my target. So soft. So defined.

Suddenly you grab my face & pull me towards you as the world shifts into neutral & every millimeter of my body longs to be my lips as they creep closer to yours in slow motion. Jealouse of the ever so soft & cautious contact with your lips ... like opposite magnets we are drawn together & as if switching poles I draw back upon first contact.... amazed that I am not hallucinating.

I tell you you are amazing, you tell me I am beyond it.

Sparkling eyes.

My plane is leaving soon but I am more than tempted to miss it. For just one more kiss, one more laugh.

I sit back & watch you talk... my thoughts trail off.

Time has been rewinded to when I had no bad experiences, my sheet is blank there are no crinkles that need to be smoothed out. I'm still delecate though but I want to offer you the first page. Think about what you want to write I wouln't be able to take any more pages ripped out of my book because somebody acted without thought & care!

Your lips meet mine again & once again I go blank.

I kiss your fingertip & open my eyes just in time to see you kissing my kiss off your finger. You waste none.

You remind me later that neither of us is dreaming while you smile your ever so toothy smile that I will miss about you most.

Utter Content.

Intro.ab.duction

Ay! Listen to me!

The wordsmith is fonting!

I'm telling you life isn't easy...try it.

No, not the existing part. I mean the living up to your own expectations - exceeding them. Healthy thought processes & materializing them into projects that become accomplishments.

Shoking yourself.

                               Being proud.

                                                     Squeeling for a hot sec when your brain is on happy overload.

Been there?Done that?

Yes, but that's in the past. Europe(Germany) past. Good old times past.

Pure past. Virgin. 

Fun past. Friends. 

Safe past. Daddy. 

Delicious past. Food.

Delusional past. -------->

Then America happened. 

Lonely

Unknown

Excuse me THIS BARREL is a "small portion" ?!

Desertedness

Dessert

Pressure

Since I was kapable of forming my first thought besides pulling my cat's tail & getting in the candy cupboard I knew that one day we would move to America.

It was never literally sayd but I just knew.

And then the big day came & Daddy moved. Singular. D-a-d-d-y. No We. No Carina. O.O

But I was occupied at the time. I was only partially devastated. I had a new apartment to myself. Right? 

I had new "me" rules(non-existant) to abide by. Right?

It went well.

And a year later it was my turn to leave. & of course I missed my plane. No one was shoked.

Because it was so unreal to be gone... no more fresh graffiti pieces poping up around town.

No more crazy nights at the club with me in the the midst shimmy.

No more cumpfy girls nights with gigglemarathons & SATC.

No more little bay bay kids getting a earfull @ the center in my danceclass.

No more me & O.O

Last time that I hugged my sister from another XY & XX & wiped her tears away?

Last time that I kissed my ladies & punched my boys?

Last time that I made half a room snort at one of my "blonde moments"?

Last time that I really know where I am & need to go.

                                                   

                                                   Who & What I am?

                                                            Why?

I got on the plane & read my friends' last letters while Frankfurt became a ricecorn & my lips bled because I was biting down so hard fighting tears back. My teartunnels all rusty not remembering how to function since it had been so long that they had been used..... was it the time I was 12 when I was taken out of ballet, or when my bunny died when I was 13?

                    I'm telling you it ain't easy.

Landing in NYC... Landing in Chicago.... Landing in Cedar Rapids. I'm walking down the entrance hall & I see the Belgian flag & my heart drops for a sec because I mistook it for my flag. Realizing that life reversed.

The relatives that meet me there, I barely know. Grandma & Grandpa it is right? Maybe. I do not care. Correction I didn't & wouln't.

The new school... like a hospital. Screaming institution. I scream "Fallacies!!!"

The teachers lost & students not even trying to find the way.

I am supposed to benefit from this?

The schoolyear starts & progresses as does the decay of my IQ.