:(

R.I.P. Gpa...

by that I mean...

RewindItPlease

so I can get it

RightInPerspective

RejectIllProspects

RejoyceInPositivety

ReadItProperly

I'll always have

RemindersInPresent

that you

RoseInPosition

& are now

ResidingInParadise

RockingItProbably!

Jill

It's hot outside & the air conditioning is broken

but something even hotter has awoken...

thighs begging to be parted...

chest loosely covered with black lace...

body ready to be explored inch by inch...

ruby red sheets inviting you to all night lovin...

But noone but me will be -

parting those tingling thighs

ripping down that black lace

venturing over that longing skin of mine

pulling off those ruby sheets tonight.

Just me tonight...

Yeah I have a man,

but he busy.

Just as always...

So it's just Jill & I...

I am NOT afraid!

Windows down, 8omph on the highway...

No cars as far as my eyes can see...

I reach the top of a hill &

Jills voice gives me the illusion of flight...

Or is it simply the man I involuntarily think about as I inhale this song?

Truly:

"I am not afraid to be your lady,

I am not afraid to be your whore!"

Rushing down the hill...

I let go of the steering wheel & spread out my arms...

Soar down the hill & am caught by him. In him.

I am NOT afraid!

Ich weiss du bist berüchtigt!

Throwback... 2000

Mit dir steht die Zeit still,

du bist was ich will...

....mit dir bleibt die Welt stehn,

ich schreib dir Zettel befor ich geh.

raw flesh

The secrets you don't tell

You had it in you.

now it's gone.

shut your mouth!

press your palm on it!

Don't let anybody know.

it's not nice so nobody will care.

it's gone!

& YOU didn't even know so why would you care now?

It's only forever... not long at all

I imagine the silence is deafening

...by things left unspoken.

The distance invading my space....

utter devotion

Since our mommies tummies bumped...

...there has been no, is no without you.

I can't say it's like a part of you is missing with you not here, 

because...

You are me & I am you.

not just parts.

You made me & I made you.

You know me more than I do me.

I know you more than you do you.

So many times we drifted apart.

So many times we found each other again.

From getting our first teeth

to losing them & waiting on wisdom teeth.

It's only natural for us to stay together to the day we shop

for our third teeth & hold hands in death....

Waiting up for our daddy & papa

 to get off from dienst on halloween.

Sitting in the open attic at the old apartment.

Scared & entagled we were, 

watching nightmare before christmas.

The two american girls with the other customs.

Ours.

Baricading your door because I refused to go home.

Realizing once we were safely in your room with

your closet pushed infront of your door in an hours effort,

that we both had to pee...

Two weeks before me you were born, 

with the same numbers but I always was the older one.

It wasn't supposed to be until the end of the month,

that I was to make an appearence but 

you were already out there exploring,

so I just had to pop out before my date!

Me the bold & chaotic one.

01.12.1988

You  the girly & complicated one.

12.11.1988

You are a continent away but our minds meet half way.

You are closer then the person sitting next to me.

Always.

So much trouble we got into.

And so much we got each other out of.

You are the only living being

 that has the power to bring tears to my eyes.

No emotions I have, 

but for you I have an abundance.

Mara Rose, you are love.

sisters

Infatuated by Temptation?

I look at you & I'm bewildered by this "storage" feeling I get.

Like you are some new, improved & one time only available product & I get this urge to run to the store & buy out all the racks at every store that carries you & ration you for two forevers.

I smell you & I am bubbly with sensation inside.

Like I ate a live nest of bumble bees. Yes it hurts!!! But it's almost good pain I just need them to go into autopilot not "crashlanding mode".....

I kiss you & I don't care how many cliches my mind conjures up.

I melt down... sink in & fly high... soar!

Lose myself & forget me.... & remember you. Us?

Bitanem?

No. But for the first time I believe in someones potential to be just that.

You touch me & I forget the colors of fear painted over my eyes.

All walls built up - POOF & disappear. Is that a good thing?

Never have I felt so safe. Is that safe?

So gentle. Even now I want to say fuck my doubts!!!

You whisper something naughty in my ear as your hands wander down my back,

I'm confident & know I will love it.

For the first time.

Yes please eat me like a lunchable sir!

Then you're grabbing my hair just the way I like it & my panties are in a bunch...

You observe my naked body & no approval is needed.

I'm out of breath, makeup has been sweated away & my hair would make the cast of Lion King jealous.

Run for it!

Trust is an emotion. 
Emotions are unsafe. 
Unsafe means helpless. 
Helplessness my biggest fear.

But trust is also passion.
A powerfull feeling of comfort.
Freedom to be oneself.
Free to be a woman.
Free, to feel the desires of a man.
It is empowering & extremely feminine.
The utter core of femininity.

But to me it has been so much more safe to build up walls.
Thinking they would keep me safe,
but I have learned that
even if they do
they will prevent me from feeling.
Creating the inability to truly develope emotions.

Struggle

Being taught that a male over oneself is humiliating.
Feeling a man ferociously demanding this,
against ones will
deludes the understanding 
that having a male over you is a utmost natural state.

Trusting,

that he can control himself & his desires.
For him to be touched by his woman
feel her softness
how fragile she is
for her to embrace him at night,
doesn't make him weak or her succuming.

It is a womans gift to give her man balance & pleasurable fulfillment.
Just as it is his to give safety & satisfaction.

Losing control? No -giving it up willingly for something higher!

So I'm staying. No more running

Marilyn Merlot

didn't cha know grapes could be so sexy?

Chica-I-go!

Chica-I-go

Offices & stores rushing past the windows of the green line.

The train is my observatory.

Strangers my stars.

I'm floating on my own milkyway...

Everything is so far away but so close to touch.

Now & then a meteor distracting me accompanied by a strong Jack Daniels odor.

"Madison&Wabash"

I exit my safehaven & walk into life.

Realizing the stars have lost their glow.

Yes, here & there a brilliantly shimmering shooting star, but as I said shooting.

Gone in a split second.

Constellations everywhere.

Where is mine?

Coup d'etat(draft)

My mind had a revolution a couple months ago,

a civil war between my basic moral installations if you will.

On one side you had the established Morals,

a corrupt gang of adrenalin no good seeking Morals.

Never failing to lead me down narrow paths, the wrong way.

Never letting me learn my lessons.

Never allowing me to notice the "WRONG WAY" signs until it was too late.

On the opposing side you had the "rebels" the until toujours hidden morals.

Suggesting bigger & better ways,

happier & brighter days.

Not just whispering but bellowing "CARPE DIEM!"